A Substitute For You

I'm a fan of Christopher Columbus
I want to find a spice route too
They've got a substitute for sugar
I want a substitute for you

I'm gonna ride those trade winds
Find gold in El Dorado too
They've got MasterCards for money
I need a substitute for you

My feet at night
Are so cold
I tell you they're turning blue
They have a substitute for coal oil
I'll buy a substitute for you

Some things are real though most things
Really don't be true
They got a substitute for the truth
But a lie right now won't do

You let me think you loved me
Luckily I can't sue
With work and play we drifted
I'm requesting something new

I'm not saying
This is nice
There's a crack
That love fell through

I'm just saying
What we had is gone

I need a substitute
For you..

Nikki Giovanni

I PROVIDE

I am the stretch
The scratch
The way your shoulders
Shrug off sleep

I am the first note
of the song you sing
The first beat
Of the rhythm you tap
The only high note
You reach

I am the ink
On your newspaper
The grounds
That make your coffee
The Bread
That you will toast

I am your shoelaces
For your run
The towel for your sweat
The seat you recline against
As you catch your breath

I am the salt in your stew
The butter in which you scramble your eggs
The apples that flavor your yogurt

I am the wish
On the flames of your candles
When they sing "Happy Birthday"
Blow me, baby

I am yours

Everything you need I provide

Now tell me
Why
You're not happy

Nikki Giovanni


**Ladies and Gentlemen....you can't create love- It creates itself and cannot be hidden once it has arrived!

Dem Gurls

Trust-I am saying "gurls" and not girls and "gurls" as opposed to women because as the letters in the word "gurl" seem out of place and misspelled and at the same time the word "gurls" fittingly falls short of the word woman. Much in the same way "gurls" have their ideals twisted- SMH.

Y is it that gurls take so much sh#t from men-sometimes even men they may have just met, but they treat their closest and faithful friends, sometimes even family like crap?! This is seriously a topic that puzzles me beyond belief.

If a "best friend" or family member "Crosses" a "gurl" (this is generally speaking although I hate to generalize I feel it's a go this time) she immediately wants to deal with it by verbal or physical confrontation. If her "boyfriend/man/a guy she just met but likes" gets caught lying or does something offensive or to turn her off enough for her to voice it to him or someone she loves and trusts enough to open up to... she can cooly forgive him and will without too much hesitation continue to put 100% of herself on the line for him. It's sad because it's like there is a mixup regarding priorities in regards to who we "let in" and who deserves our love and forgiveness and that bothers me.

In the same breath, the "boi/dude"-falling short of Man that finds such "gurl" and thinks he may have "lucked up" because she will take what he gives and give all he will take. This "boi/dude" is getting that "gurl" who is misspelled, out of place, and she who has fallen short of what it is that his soul will long for... WoMan.
They are a perfect match. I'm just saying...

Signed by: Happy to be WoMan

The BEGinning of An Ugly Shituation....

"Miss you too" he said and she could hear the smile on his face. He hung up the phone laid on his back with his arms folded behind his head he inhaled deep and exhaled heavy. What is going on he asked himself as he contemplated trying to wrap his head around how this started and where is was headed. Deep in thought, he jumped when he heard the phone vibrate, he sighed knowing it was her again, "I love talking to you, you make me idk...happy thank you for listening" the text read. It was at that moment that he realized that his situation was getting complicated. He got up off the couch, walked, through the the dark hallway, into the bathroom and stood there in the dark, he wanted her to think that is where he had been for the last hour. After a brief moment he headed into the bedroom and slipped into the bed with her hoping that she was fast asleep. She was already 7 1/2 months along in her pregnancy with their first child. One that he undoubtedly was not ready for, but one that he admittedly did want when he consciously impregnated her. They recently found out it was a girl her name would be Rebecca- distinguished and classy she had pointed out.

They had been together already for 10 years and now at 29 years old and engaged, logically it was the next step. The problem was that suddenly he was forced to remember what it was like to feel whenever he talked to or spent time with Lisa. He hadn't realized before that he had become so numb. His heart wasn't excited or warmed up when he was with Patricia, his fiance'. Now he had a real issue. He desperately wanted his heart to keep beating, feeling, jumping, reminding him that he was still a warm person, a person who could care about something, someone, anything beyond himself. He needed to convince his mind that it was okay to say this out loud.

Patricia stirred and rolled over her belly hanging toward her left side which she laid so gracefully on. He turned his back to her hoping that she wouldn't wake up fully. She wrapped her right arm around him from behind and snuggled up closely to him and soon they began to breathe in and out on one accord. She slid her hand down and felt him, she knew how to do it just right so that he would rise to the occasion as he always did. She kept her hand there in an effort to let him know that she wasn't going anywhere she wanted to please him in any way she could. "I love you baby" she whispered softly in his ear. "I love you too" he said aloud. it sounded strong, sincere...comforting even. They kissed deep, passionately, hard. He ran his fingers through her hair and caressed her back "That feels so good" she uttered. He pulled down his basketball shorts, one of the pairs he faithfully wore to bed each night for as long as she'd known him and that night, he made love to her. She felt that it felt different. She felt good, she tasted good, she moved with him, before him, after him, fast, slow, all over him, even when she was uncomfortable she continued, she was warm. She held on, squeezed tight and talked him through the motions. The shituation was that in his mind, he made love not to the woman in his arms, the woman who loved him and was willing to do anything for him, the woman who gave up everything she had and would give up any opportunity that presented itself for him- the woman bearing his first born child, he was making love passionately, deeply, mentally, and whole heartedly to Lisa and if the shituation presented itself at any time he would act to bring it to fruition.

Knowing the way he felt and anticipating the outcome did not stop him from getting up after he released, and going into the bathroom under the pretense that he was going to wash himself up and texting back "Hey baby..still thinking about you- I just want you to know that I love talking to you too."

It'S StUpId NoT CuPiD....

She looked up and her eyes were telling her to close them…the room was spinning. She still had on her 6 inch red bottom pumps, skinny jeans, and black vest with her red lace bra the one that she wouldn’t normally wear outside but that she put on tonight while in a rage and pissed off at her now ex-boyfriend –the one she had caught at home, in their shower with another woman, soapy and warm and happy. She saw him but he didn’t see her. She couldn’t bring herself to confront him fearful of what she might here and worried about if he left her. She decided NOT to deal with it. Her mom always told her “Men cheat honey.. that’s what they do-they can’t help it and it doesn’t mean that they don’t love you- you just have to deal with it and find one you can love despite his nature”

Well she decided to go out and have some drinks. It had been a rough night and now after 6 shots of tequila and at least two other drinks that were only chased with juice for the slight color they gave, she was totally drunk and her mind was racing. “Jason…” she managed to get his name out of her mouth “Jason, wake up…wake up baby please” He didn’t so much as stir so she let the weight of her body come down on him no longer able to hold her own –literally. His eyes popped open and so did his mouth he was frightened by her sudden presence “Khloe..what the… what are you doing?” “Jason she whispered the scent of the tequila hit him like cheap cologne very early in the morning in a closed space. “Khloe you’re drunk…come on baby just lay down” he whispered hoping to close his eyes and drift back off to sleep “No” sliding all the way down his torso until her mouth was directly over the bulge in his boxer briefs. He tried to pull her back up “Khloe, it’s late babe, I know you how you feel about that-baby it’s fine…close your eyes and go to sleep ” ‘No…I want to” she said knowing deep in her heart how much she hated the act.

Still she took him in ---all of him and proceeded to bob up and down and down and up slowly then faster with hands then without…he moaned, he groaned, he almost yelled “Damn baby…Sh%t, ahhhh” he grabbed her hair and wrapped it around his index, middle, and ring finger she sucked harder, moved faster, with more precision. She took him in like a vacuum, sucking and pulling and breathing harder and harder he began to push and pull her head up and down faster then slower when he wanted it like that….”Khloe, I knew you would come around, I knew you loved me, ahhh baby please don’t stop, don’t stop..” he pleaded with her. She could feel the gagging sensation coming on and her jaw was feeling stiffer than she thought possible. She kept going all the while in her head thinking why was she doing this? Why? Her head hurt. “Yea, baby don’t stop, don’t stop” she kept going. This is important she thought to herself, this is what he wants, he loves this, if I don’t do it someone else will. Finally, with no warning he held her head down hard and a little longer than he did with the other strokes “ahhhhhh oh yea, baby, yea!” he yelled out in passion she tried to bring her head up but he held it down longer, she could feel the warm gush and tasted the bitterness in the back of her throat, again, she tried to raise her head, he was still groaning and holding on preventing her from moving. When he finally let go “oh baby that was the best, I didn’t even expect it or know that you had skills like that!” She sat there feeling violated and disgusted with herself.

She went to the bathroom and spit it out a tear escaped her eyes, she gagged and felt her stomach turning, she couldn’t hold it down, she felt the rise to her throat and began spewing all that she drank into the toilet. When she thought she was done, more came up and suddenly she felt sort of sober. With a throbbing headache and a pain in her stomach beyond her belief she washed her face and stepped back into the bedroom, she thought to herself that although Jason hadn’t come in to check on her he would at least be there to ask her what was wrong and hold her. Much to her dismay he was already fast asleep. She got in the bed, he had all the covers wrapped around him …there was no way that she could pull any out from under him. She wrapped her arms around herself and lay there cold, alone, hurt, and silent. She closed her eyes in an attempt to sleep and realized that once again she failed to take the extra step in the series of steps to get herself completely out of this situation. He used her and sucked her dry for all she had that he could benefit from and she allowed him to do it so that the other side of her bed wouldn’t not be as cold, lonely, and silent and she truly was. Either way, no one got what they really wanted. SOLD

It'S SiMpLe

AND I aint never met a brother like you- you make me feel like I’m in a different world

With a different vibe and with a new found peace..there’s something calming about you

And it alarms me…. Somehow in a feel good kinda way

What do I have to do to get next to a man like you and I say man cause you are man on a

grown level like a I could hold my own level and I wanna be down.

His eMOtions

Tied behind your back
in a million knots- you squeeze until your knuckles are sore
they exist, they're real

Fantasizing about coming to life
draining your thoughts all day
Talking to you through your dreams at night
-you can't figure them out
yet they exist, they're real

You try to hide them from the world
it's better if you pretend
but remember they exist, they're real

Then you met me...
they are pleading with me, begging for a chance to be set free
-to be acknowledged
and through your eyes we communicate, when words are just too much
With a blink, you try to shut me out

Streaming down your face
-it has materialized itself into tears...
they exist, they're real
His eMOtions

Food For Thought

“I don't know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself. It is very important for every human being to forgive herself or himself because if you live, you will make mistakes- it is inevitable. But once you do and you see the mistake, then you forgive yourself and say, 'well, if I'd known better I'd have done better,' that's all. So you say to people who you think you may have injured, 'I'm sorry,' and then you say to yourself, 'I'm sorry.' If we all hold on to the mistake, we can't see our own glory in the mirror because we have the mistake between our faces and the mirror; we can't see what we're capable of being. You can ask forgiveness of others, but in the end the real forgiveness is in one's own self. I think that young men and women are so caught by the way they see themselves. Now mind you. When a larger society sees them as unattractive, as threats, as too black or too white or too poor or too fat or too thin or too sexual or too asexual, that's rough. But you can overcome that. The real difficulty is to overcome how you think about yourself. If we don't have that we never grow, we never learn, and sure as hell we should never teach.”

~Maya Angelou

EVAPORATE

Dew is water in the form of droplets that appears on thin, exposed objects in the morning or evening. As the exposed surface cools by radiating its heat, atmospheric moisture condenses at a rate greater than that at which it can evaporate, resulting in the formation of water droplets.....

As dew sits on the narrow petals so you engulf my mind-
sitting perfectly still only moving on when YOU want to
Never realizing just how much you mean to me and the way you make me feel
staying with me day and night only making it harder to deal with
The presence of you so distant yet all encompassing

…and its just the memory of you I keep holding onto
Tryna convince myself that its you I belong to
Over and over again I hang my head with worries
My eyes fill with tears, my heart aches like a cut trying to heal
And my stomach is inside out –FREQUENTLY
Fearful that the “one day” you’ll love me as hard as much as I love you is in another life
Or it has passed and in that fleeting moment I looked down and missed the opportunity to grab it...
Did I miss it? Because sometimes I feel that if I stretch my arms far enough
–if I put just enough effort and lean my body in with the stretch I may be able to catch it even touch it with the tips of my fingers- did I miss it?
Like lingering cologne with each breath I’m reminded
that maybe you’ve moved on and new love has you blind
Forgetting what once was so sweet and so true
the days when life felt like it revolved around you
And in your eyes was everything I needed to see in your arms is where I wanted to be
I remember the laughter, the bickering, the fights
Laying together talking in the bed at night
Exhaling and laying on your chest
Knowing that forever we had left…..

PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME…..

Too many people are uncomfortable with being “alone” or not in a relationship? Why?

Lets face it, today’s society puts a lot more weight on being married or in a relationship than if you are single. If you are married you are automatically perceived as happy. You get more respect from people at work and in your personal life and more than likely people who don’t even know you and see you with that ring on your finger place you in a higher regard than they would a single woman or single man…you’ve got your stuff together, or so it seems.

We all know at least one man or woman in a relationship that is not in their best interest-whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally one way or another they are being negatively affected by their partner(s). The question is what do the people in these relationships have in common? What is the difference between them and someone who appears to be happy “alone”? Why would a person rather stay in a relationship when the love or happiness is gone, just because they want to say they are with somebody?


People who end up in these types of situations are often times unhappy with themselves- miserable even. These relationships are made up of men and women who would rather be comfortable than truly happy, they feel that being a plus one is always better than being just one because they “don’t want to be alone” it starts early. The unhappiness/insecurities that they are feeling within themselves prompts them to clamp onto the first man/woman that shows them some attention causing them to overlook or blow off what are sometimes serious character flaws within an individual due to the infatuation they have with the idea of simply being with someone. It is easy to get caught up in looks and material possessions like a “nice car” or a “good job” and end up overlooking a hugely pessimistic attitude or a very bad temper that later will result in lack of support for you and your goals/dreams or even physical or emotional/mental abuse. Is it worth it? Is it cool to be with someone who you think you are in love with if you don’t actually love them-as the person they are because of their ways? A clear distinction needs to be made around those feelings.

On Love

Being in love is completely different from loving someone- people often blur the lines between the two. Just because you love someone that does not a relationship make. At my age (young-LOL) a lot of people are running down the isles to the altar. They may have found the man of their dreams and feel that they need look no further. They may have been “in love” love (1-2 years) which many would argue is not enough time to say you actually know a person—the real person, or they may have been in a relationship long term (upwards of 5 years) and getting married is the next logical step –to them, and to the outside world. It is just the right thing to do. This builds a marriage of convenience
mar·riage of con·ven·ience (n)
a marriage between two people that is intended to serve a practical, financial, or political purpose and is not based on their love for each other

Meanwhile, behind closed doors, they may be undergoing all sorts of changes, they know that they don’t want to be together deep down but figure it would be too hard to break up at this point. Maybe they are doing it for the kids, their “family” or maybe they are doing it because much like everything else in their lives they are settling and would rather float through without interrupting the current. It is not killing them in ways their naked eyes can see. They may be abusive to each other or just one partner to the other. They may be emotionally and mentally pushed to their limits because one or one or both of them have another relationship(s). Regardless they would rather ignore everything that doesn’t feel right or even hurts outright because they cannot imagine handling the situation for what it is—or “alone”.

Bottom Line: Surely one who can be happy alone is one who has managed to find happiness within themselves. Furthermore, you cannot achieve happiness through someone else-Let It Go.

Picking Up The Pieces....

I was talking to a friend of mine today that I haven’t had the pleasure of talking to in a while and after I went into some details about the things that have been going on in my life she said to me “you are so strong” this is a statement I have heard many times before from so many people I cannot even remember. Today, for some reason it took on a different meaning. I began to wonder, am I too strong? Is there such a condition? What defines “strong?”

Once she made her statement the question immediately arose and I spat it out “Do you think I am too strong?” She immediately shot down that idea “What? Are you crazy?” But honestly now, I am feeling a little crazy. I mean is there a point when you can be too self-sufficient and a man may not want you? Would you even be interested in a man that would want you to be less than strong? Huumm……

Real talk a lot of us women like to do what my friend called “picking up the pieces” we find ourselves in situations where the man in our life is depending on us. There are definitely some cases more extreme than others but in any case we are talking about giving more of yourself to him than you are willing to give to yourself

1) Emotionally-he’s closed off so you put in double work for fear of losing him altogether

2) Financially-wouldn’t want him to think that because he is down and out “right now” that you don’t love him just as much or worse-that you are using him for what he has so you go double hard to overcompensate and “prove” that you can take care of yourself

3) Physically-maybe if you go out of your way to please him sexually he won’t be interested in anyone else even if it means you may be left feeling out of character, ashamed- even after the act

But…what about dating a strong man who doesn’t need you to pick up his pieces? Sometimes I have to wonder what it is about that man?Are women who are addicted to picking up the pieces afraid of this man?

My theory is that this type of woman-whether she realizes it or not, is afraid. She is afraid of submission in any form for fear of being let down and as a result she focuses on trying her best to control and stay on top of situations that arise in his life instead of dealing with hers. She is afraid of not being needed because then she may be viewed as replaceable or disposable she takes pride in saying “Nobody would do the things I do for him.” She constantly needs a challenge hence-his problems always become her problems. At the same time it is important that we recognize that the man who allows us to pick up all his pieces, believes in a large way that your problems are small enough for you to handle on your own. True Story